


is that a fist in your box or are you happy to see me?

by Missy



Category: Addams Family - All Media Types, Elvira Mistress of the Dark (1988)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Mechanical Failures, Rain, Stranded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 23:11:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2043819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elvira's car breaks down outside the Addams Family's mansion, and she makes unlikely friends with one of the occupants within it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	is that a fist in your box or are you happy to see me?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Small Fandom Fest in '14!

It was a dark and stormy night. 

A dark, stormy, and hair-destroying night. 

That was the only reason Elvira had left her roadster to hike up the path to find shelter. She’d worked too hard on that ‘do to ever surrender it to some silly rainstorm. All she needed was a pair of super-high spiked heels to keep her from sinking into any puddles and an attractive black parasol to keep her makeup from running. 

Both the makeup and her impeccable wardrobe seemed to be unappreciated by the very tall, green-faced butler who guarded the first door she tried. Elvira was unbothered; she gave him a wide grin and rested a palm upon her hips. “What’s the matter, fella? Cat got your neck bolts?”

“Come in,” he groaned, and she gave him a little smile, taking time to flick her parasol dry before stepping into the palatial mansion. 

“Can I use the phone?” The butler moved leftward, toward the parlor. “Is that a yes?” She shrugged, taking a good look at the large but dusty trappings about her. She settled upon the nearest couch and started considering her next move.

She shifted, settling deeply into the plush cushions. “I’ll wait here, then. I’ve got a little time to spare before I have to check in at the taxidermist’s convention.” She happily examined the heavy, ornate but very dusty world that surrounded her. “Though I wouldn’t mind checking in here. Is this Louis the XII or the VII?” She giggled. “Never mind, a lady shouldn’t ask.”

There was no answering call. Elvira had reposed in uglier places in her long, undead life – she just sat back patiently and waited for help.

Out of pure boredom, she noticed the small black box stationed just behind the sofa on a high oak table. Curiosity made her pick it up – and curiosity made her tap the lid, which clicked open.

She was only slightly surprised by the sudden appearance of a set of disembodied fingers sleepily weaving before her bewildered eyes.

Elvira wasn’t one to scare easily – and the sight of the sentient limb was wont to amuse instead of nauseate her. A joke came to mind – and she spoke it without thinking. “Hey buddy. Need a hand?”

The fingers were Not Amused. They recoiled a bit, and she put the box on its resting place upon the table. Elvira gave a mock-offended pout. “What’s the matter, cat got your calluses?” More agitated tapping. “Aww, don’t - you’ll stick out like a sore thumb!” 

Thing started to recoil back into his box, making Elvira feel far guiltier than she had before. It tapped… his, she supposed…. index finger impatiently against the table. “All right, I’ll cool it with the hand puns. Can you get somebody to help me?” He cringed, seeming offended. “Look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, pal, but you can’t talk and I need somebody to point me in the direction of the next filling station…” then it occurred to her that he could simply write the instructions out. “You have a pen in that box?” He did, indeed. “Great, can you draw me a map?” Chittering. “Paint me a sign?” Even more confused chittering. “Maybe make me a bridge?” Silence. “Well, then why do you have a pen in there?” 

There was a scrambling noise as the hand surfaced with the pen and the paper. In two seconds, Elvira held a note which read, “To help me vanquish the blood of mine enemies….” She paused for a beat. “That’s kinda grim, fella. Whatever rocks your casket tho; as long as you’re not planning to rehearse on me? Emphasis on ‘hearse’ of course.” There was another tapping sound; she waited for ten more minutes before it reached into its box and pulled out a map; an elaborate map of the town that was illuminated and carefully drawn.”

“Wow. How long have you been working on this?” Five taps. “That many centuries? Man, how are your fingers holding up?” A tap. She took the map and mentally traced out a route toward repairs and freedom. She mentally takes notes and gives the map back. “So how did you end up getting stuck in that box?”

This question didn’t result in a bunch of scrabbling about. He quickly pulled out a card and held it out to Elvira, who took it. She raised an eyebrow. “That many years in purgatory, huh? Guess you can’t pick and choose which parts of you end up on earth during your eternal penance.” She handed the card back. “So do these folks treat you right?” Some scribbling. She smiled. “I guess it’s easy to be part of the family when you were a part of one of their family members.”

Lurch appeared in the doorway. “Mister Addams sends…regards.” He handed her an old-fashioned calling card that bore Gomez’ heavy, masculine script. Elvira snagged the note and scanned it quickly.

“You have to give the guy some credit,” she declared, “that’s some awful nice handwriting for a busy guy.” She tucked the note in her cleavage. “So, big fella, can you give me a jump?”

“I can’t get wet,” declared Lurch, backing out of the room. 

She eyed him as he headed back toward the door. “Well, that’s the crime of the century,” she declared. Then she turned back toward Thing. “Hey, do you know anything about crankshafts?” There was a sudden burst of eager tapping, and Elvira grinned. “All right,” she said, slapping her thighs. “You crank the engine, I’ll turn the key. The two of us should be able to drag the big, dumb thing back to life again,” she declared. She scooped Thing up from his box, uncaring of the severance line that marred his wrist. To hide him, she secreted the hand beneath her raincoat, instructing him to cling to her belt.

They were all the way up the road before it occurred to her to dig in the rain-soaked back seat for the crank. It turned out the little hand had plenty of experience turning cranks. All the motors revved appropriately, and Elvira left the Addams manse a grateful woman. 

It was only the third most interesting activity that car had ever seen.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **The Addams Family and Elvira** , all of whom are the property of **Warner Brothers Ent.**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
